life and death and separation and love

last year i officially lost two friends,
left me devastated equally.

last year i lost two friends,
both played a different role in my life.

last year two men have left me,
two of the few whom i had hold closely to my heart and soul.

last year two of my friends and i gone our separate ways,
the friends who i loved most and most

last year,
ive gone from having two men to none.

last year ive lost two friends,
one caused by death,
and one caused by life.

part 1
Death

you never thought you can actually witness death,
or knew the death of someone closed to you while youre alive.
somehow we grasp it as if it is just a tale,
always someone's story, news, television, movies, but never our story.
never.

but again, it happened. but this time "death's happen".
didnt ask for it,
didnt give you any warning,
it just happen, and took my dearest one.

i cried, i cried, i hiked and cried some more.

part 2
Life

you never thought you can actually lose someone when they're still alive all healthy,
let alone someone like your best person.
somehow all that 'grown-up' bullshit is just a bullshit.
always someone's story in someone's book, television, movies, but never our story.
never.

but yes, it happened, and this time accurately "life's happen".
didnt ask for it,
didnt give any warning when i first jumped in,
it just happen, and have taken away my dearest one.

i cried, i cried, i went away and i cried some more.

and after all debacles,
you see..
llife and death not that much of a difference yet it is so much different than the others.

im no expert

the title is pretty self explanatory,

but lets bring this to a hypothetical situation.
what if people are humble enough that no matter how an expert they are, they will say to themselves that "im no expert".
wouldnt we be in such a very very harmonious place?

but hey, im not one should complain or can complain.
i certainly not one that can change people's way of thinking or behavior.
im just an acute observer, i observe way too intensely and way too often.
and it sickens me most of the time.
the behavior and the results of these observations.

my observations usually involves things/people surrounds me.
and that is a good thing and a bad thing. mostly just bad.
cause as i said the result sometimes troubled me and on the other hand,
people that i observed just being people, human, and themselves who feels experts on what they're being and doing without necessarily being experts on their beings and doings.

mothers..
feeling experts at being mothers,
preachers..
talking right and wrong, sins and what not, like the god talks to him daily on the phone,
aunties..
giving wise talks like they cant be wrong,
fathers..
being completely oblivious about his surroundings,
friends..
feeling experts on being a good friends,
teenagers..
feeling the most alone in the world,
daughters..
being the most hypocrite children of all time,
and so on

you know there is no such thing as expertise there are just specialist,
no expertise on mothering, fathering, daughtering, brothering, sistering, it is all depend on you, how you deal, whats your techniques, what your view, no right or wrong here. it just which is suited the best.


but hey..
im no expert.

when the comfortable turns the other way

you know..
you dont know..

that's what going through my mind every time..

Katakanlah saja saya terperangkap dalam sangkar yang saya buat sendiri.
Sangkar yang saya rakit sedikit demi sedikit, dari waktu ke waktu.

Pembuatan sangkar ini bisa dibilang sengaja dan tidak sengaja.
Kenapa?
Karena awalnya saya hanya main-main saja, dari main-main iseng saya pun merasa nyaman.
NYAMAN, perasaan yang saya pikir tidak akan menyakiti atau merugikan saya, sehingga saya merasa lepas, bebas menjadi diri sendiri.
Terlena dengan perasaan nyaman tersebut saya tidak berpikir 2 kali, boro-boro! Saya tidak pernah berpikir sebelum melakukan tindakan. Saya benar-benar lepas menjadi saya.
Ya.. saya. Sayangnya seorang saya itu tidak begitu apik, lebih cenderung membingungkan dan kompleks.
Namun karena rasa nyaman itu saya biarkan saja semuanya MUNCRAT dari diri saya, gamblang! Saya pajang, pertontonkan, agar orang dapat menyaksikan.
Transparan, ya itu dia kata yang bisa menggambarkan saya pada saat itu.

NOFILTER kalo anak-anak instagram jaman sekarang bilang.

Kegamblangan saya yang saya tunjukkan itu adalah awal dari rakitan sangkar setan ini.
Tidak pernah mengira ini akan berakibat 'senjata makan tuan'.
"WAAAAAHHHHH, SIAL, SETAN!" Saya mengumpat, ketika tersadar saya sudah dalam kandang saya sendiri.
Berputarlah otak ini menguak segala kejadian, kenangan, dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tak kunjung usai.
"ANJING!" Kembali saya mengumpat, ketika kekesalan membuncah. Tidak pernah saya kira KENYAMANAN itu sangat berbahaya dan saya terlena olehnya.
Gimana bisa kata 'nyaman' yang begitu positif, selalu dipakai untuk menggambarkan sesuatu yang baik, bahkan ada di iklan-iklan kota "Buanglah sampah pada tempatnya, buat kota kita nyaman untuk penduduknya", bisa berakibat sangat negatif dalam hidup saya.
Lalu saya terombang-ambing.

Tenggelamlah saya, saya tidak tahu harus apa.
Hmmm.. bohong, sebenarnya saya tahu harus apa, hanya enggan menjalankannya.
Namun setelah tertatih-tatih, lelah saya mencoba mencari jalan lain yang sepertinya memang tidak ada.
BUNTU! BUNTU SEMUA!

Akhirnya..
Akhirnya..
Akhirnya..
Pelan-pelan saya mencoba berdiri dan berjalan menjauh.
Menjauh..
Aktifitas yang selalu sulit untuk dilakukan manusia.
Menjauh dari cinta, rokok, kopi, drugs, SUSAH! Yang namanya menjauh itu selalu susah, apapun itu yang perlu dijauhi, pasti tidak mudah.

"AYO BISA!" Saya bergumam kepada diri saya sendiri, mencoba menyemangati diri sendiri.
"AYO DOA!" Teriak saya pada diri sendiri yang mencoba menggalakkan kebiasaan baru itu.

Tertawa saya, tertawa miris, karena tidak pernah terpikir sekalipun dalam kepala ini kalau saya harus menyeret, menjauh dari kenyamanan yang saya buat sendiri.

'Nyaman' kata yang sungguh menyesatkan.

NYC

I dream of the city lights beams at night

I dream of every hotdog and corndog in every corner of the street

I dream of stacked actors apartments

I dream of the humming of writers block

I dream of colorful wet streets on a rainy day

I dream of the glamour broadway light

I dream of Daniel Day-Lewis walking on a street

I dream of going pass, by, through that 5th Avenue

I dream of underground poetry readings

I dream of their shit coffee

I dream of their fattening food

I dream of laying on the grass of Central Park

I dream of the free concert

I dream of the backstairs of apartments

I dream of being ignored by that yellow cab

I dream of the city that never sleeps

Coffee

I wish that you'd come every time I look out the window
every time that door open up
I wish that you'd come when the lightning express it's excitement towards the sky
when the rain comes pouring down soaking every inch of my soul
When the wind breezes through my fingers and hair
I wish that you'd come when the motorcycle roam in a distance
Every car doors that's closing
I wish that you'd come

I wish you'd come in each of every scream of the gamers
In every order that's placed
In every coffee that got paid

The coffee that they smell
The coffee that they sip
The coffee that make them chatty
The coffee that they finished

Over that coffee they socialized
Over that coffee they talk
Over that coffee they deal a job
Over that coffee i wait, wait, and wait

I wish you'd come
When I open that door
When I walk home
When I am home

I wish you'd come when you don't

lousy jerks

Through this screen I saw,
there were some jerks hanging around together,
they fought each other in the mud, that dirty mud,
but they helped out each other at the end.

Through these eyes I see,
there are some jerks hanging around together,
they fight each other in that dirty mud,
but this time, they leave each other behind.

On that screen I've seen many
with this eyes I've learn many
And that screen, got me thinking
and these eyes, got me wishing

Through some stories I've been reading
Through some thoughts I've been avoiding
Because some of that stories got me hoping
Because some of that thoughts got me destroyed.

What are you trying to steal?
no, none of this is my will
oh, whatever it is you trying to steal
I tell you, I have nothing.

Let me see those kind of smile
Let me feel those kind of love
Let me hear you say its forever
Although i know there's no forever

Stop! that lousy smile
cause all I've got its dirt in another aisle
Stop! that lousy, oh so lousy love
cause all i feel its just another failing laugh,

That Time

So it's down time again.
I remember the last time I had it.
It was excruciating.
It was like a thunderbolts attacking the core of the body.
I was electrocuted.
The high volts charged me back to life.
Then it began..
The slow stabbing. It was so slow i could feel how many inches has gone through.
I'm never sure whether it was a knife, a thin sharp dagger, or a thin pointy ice.
What i sure about it was the feel of it. It was cold, cold, and cold.
The salt water was always the final touch.
Salt water and an wide open flesh. Well, you know the rest.

I always do tests to know if it's healed.
It never were. Though there were times i thought it did.
And there were times my surrounding tricked me.
It doesn't matter, cause it never did.

It's that time again.
Where i take my feet to step down the ladder, one by one.
Right-left-right-left-right-left. Again.
People have tried to hide the ladder, but i always manage to find it.
I know what's down there, i visit it from time to time. Unintentionally. Sure.
Now I think, I think, I would have to go down there again.
This time by choice. I chose cause i have no choice.
I'm scared, scared, scared because it's a one scary place.
Now i have to climb down. I only have to climb down cause I climbed up.
I have to land. I have to land only because I took off.

saya kamu dia kita dan kalian

Ia yang tak berdiri
Ia yang tak bisa terlungkup
Ia yang tak bisa bangkit
Maka berbaringlah ia tak berdaya
Maka berbaringlah ia terisak
Maka berbaringlah ia terhempit sesak
Maka ia berdoa agar ia bisa berbaring tak bernyawa

masa berlaku

I turned it upside down
I flipped it side to side
I tore it down
I have looked inside out
I have searched front and back
I turned it 360
I keep looking for the expiration date.

CEPAT

Bolpoin in hanya satu,
maka saya harus menulis dengan cepat.
Bolpoin ini hanya satu,
maka saya tidak boleh menghabiskan tintanya.
Bolpoin ini hanya satu,
maka saya tidak boleh egois.
Bolpoin ini hanya satu dan bukan milik saya,
jadi saya harus berbagi.
Berbagi dengan orang lain, memang susah,
tapi saya harus rela karena bukan saya pemiliknya.
Bolpoin ini hanya satu,
maka saya harus menulis dengan sangat cepat,
kalau-kalau ada yang mau meminjam,
kalau-kalau diminta pemiliknya untuk diberikan kepada orang lain.
CEPAT!! Sebelum tintanya habis, sebelum tenggang waktu saya.
Bolpoin ini hanya satu dan bukan milik saya.
Saya tidak bisa memaksa, harus saya kembalikan, harus.

washing

lets do the washing;
hmm.. id rather not.
why?
im in the middle of something;
what?
washing..

Wishing well

Exhausted from trying to proof and convincing myself. I am fuckin exhausted and worn out. Exhausted from trying to keep myself calm. I am tired from trying to sweep all the anger. I am exhausted trying to be friended people. I am exhausted from keeping myself not to hope the worse may be fallen you.

the encourager

look up, look up.
they're way up.
up there, being brilliant in their own different way.
strolling along down their road, projecting glowing spark every movements.

oh what a footstep they have made, tracks to trace.
we are seeking for these, i am seeking of these.
do i and we have what it takes to follow.
look out, look out, they are out there, seems to be out of league.

words, oh words that they have spoken.
words, oh words that they have written.
it is engraved, in this soul.
words binded becomes individual sacred guide.

look up, look up, all the successor in life.
all the men with a crown on their heads.
dancing along on their field, being special and wanted.
look up, that where they - whom we adored- stands.

the audience

likewise, they raped the beautiful soul and mind chained them to the fire that threatened people in after life,

Thy who may or may not be the massive controller of these, stay put above getting praised by the believer choking some kids through wounded heart.

beautifully poisoned these prisoners with assembled components and wires glued to their hands, eyes, and mind.

turning sets of purpose gathers numbers on papers which take them closer to their demands, closer, much closer.

objects and subjects would not be their right to owned if you scattered big pile rotten goods.

they raped every single soul and mind lead them to exterior reproduction, dreams to be more.

invincibly demolish the structure the culture towards the ideal way of living,
creating illusion of reaching goals to get through this madness of unfortunate.

ideas of everlasting, being tie down to one another producing creatures destroying greens which we relies on.

let the death come to me
let the death come to me
before the doom spread the view on my eyes.

initials

S taring into space S
T rying to take par T
U rgent needs of CP U
C rippled characteristi C
K indly stay in the dar K

saya ingin bisa berteman

wanita itu, bukan teman namun nyaris bermusuhan.
wanita itu..
tidak tau.

wanita itu
menaruh gemar pada hal yang sama
menaruh rasa pada manusia yang sama
ditoreh luka pada tempat yang sama
dibuat murka oleh jiwa yang sama
dibuat kecewa akan perilaku yang sama.

karena sebab yang sama.
pada waktu kritis yang sama.

memaafkan juga yang ia sedang perankan
melupakan juga yang ia sedang coba jalankan
tangisan brutal juga yang ia sedang coba hentikan
berpasrah juga yang ia hanya bisa lakukan.

Seandainya saya dan wanita itu mampu endapkan ego masing-masing,
mungkin kami bisa memaki waktu bersama.
mungkin cerita bisa terbagi antara kami.
mungkin semua ini akan lebih mudah dihadapi, karena
mungkin kami dapat saling kuatkan hati.

Sebab sebenarnya

Wanita itu juga masih rindu
masih pilu
tahan rindu
tahan pilu
dengan harapan semua akan cepat berlalu.

semua sama, hanya perbedaanya terletak pada
kurun waktu lamanya saya dan wanita itu menapakkan kaki disituasi ini,
saya hanya bisa bekata,
wanita itu akan baik - baik saja, lama-lama akan tebiasa,
karena saya disini sudah cukup lama dan masih terjebak didalamnya,
namun semua akan baik-baik saja, saya tetap berdoa.

Tulisan ini hanya sekedar angan-angan diri.
Saya menulis hanya karena,
Wanita itu penulis
Saya pembaca.

changing route

i think,,
I THINK..
i might stop writing this blog until i know how to write properly..

im embarrassed

hundreds cell in our brain; part 6

im only going to marry a visionaire

ill be okay even if no one will never knock on mine
ill be okay even those footsteps never stop on my doorstep

should i just continue watching people fight at the war
or
should i stop and start doing this fucking sequence that seem will never be finished?
or
should i continue hearing couples making love, and write about it.

what the fuck is all this?
i couldnt write any longer,
my handwriting has scattered

and if you really quite, you can hear the sound of people making babies in a distance

hundreds cell in our brain; part 5

we know its not true
we know its all fake
we know its just act of pretending.
why the fuck people keep doing that?
why the fuck people has to fall for someone?
do we even really need that or is it just society pressure?
do i really need that?
why am i writing all this fucking stuff,
to be honest, i have no one to talk to..
the one that use to listen has took off not a while ago?
why the fuck i keep thinking that he's the only one who listens?
fact; he hardly listen.
he wants my body, it's a disgrace
its a fucking disgrace.
yet, i didnt stop it.
what does that even mean!!
i need to stop this.



this is a very long time since my last writing,
its not even good enough to be consider as a piece of writing.
i have no time,
too busy running away from the thoughts of you.
my body is not good enough,
not meeting your requirement.

hundreds cell in our brain; part 4

i just dont understand for those who just dont reply to messages.

i cant get myself focus
i probably need help to get there
or
maybe not.

i dont want to end up being an old lady who has 17 cats and just sitting around all day on a goddamn rocking chair.

i need a human touch,
i never thread a human before,
maybe i should.
just to give the sense of the thrill through my body,
just to have variation to my routines.
these all fucks me up.
what the hell is wrong with me.