when there's so many "I" in your doings and sentences and not enough "you"

I am feeling like this,
I ate this
I drink this
I am angry!

I am tired
I feel lost
I have given up
I cannot do this anymore!

I am here
I am there

I will do this
I am doing this
I don't do this
I didn't do that

I got fed up
I am old
I know
I know
I know

I am here
I am not here

I hang on
I will hold on
I can't make promise
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

I am sleepy
I am going to bed now.
You come rest here next to me
I would love that

torn up shirt and washed up jeans

with every words I speak,
I knew right away it'll become your words.

with every story I begin,
I knew right away it'll become your end.

This feeling of uncertainty,
if you're ever coming home to me
if you'll be resting your head on my neck and shoulder
if my time will be yours to spend.

what is it so addictive about being saved from drowning?
that I have to drown myself over and over in your words,
your gestures, your smirks, your hopes, your smell, your heartache,
your ways.

you and your shadow that i could never chase and hold,
your hands that never really fit mine perfectly,
your breath that never really have rest,
your heart that is never mine to heal.

you showed up at my door with your mind so ratchet
and your heart is worn out.
you were tired and so was I.

you showed up with all torn up shirt and washed up jeans,
your hair all messed up,
your arm and neck were stretched so far out after trying to hold on to someone too long.
and there I was, welcoming you after taking up a too-long walks and jumps from city to city.
even then I knew I should have only say to you "It's really nice to see you, but could you come back later on a better day?" and close the door.
but I did just the opposite of that.

now you're on the bed, curled up with my blanket of words,
vaguely moving,
slowly fading,
eventually you'll disappear with your shadow
your hands
your breath
your wound
and your heart that is never really mine to heal.

wake up

the world does not revolves around you;

you are;

forgotten (and it's inevitable)
unseen
invisible

unless you do something about it.

speak up,
be brave,

make something out of yourself

dont;
stay,
sit put,
stand still,

things would not just be given to you,

when

when you see things only with your one eye,
turn completely blinded the other one,
ignoring things that shouldnt be ignored.

compromising feelings,
rasionalised intuitions,
feel more that I intend to,
cry in discreet,
feel like shit most of the time,
go backwards.

but i love when your neck fitted perfectly with my face,

but im also longing for the day that my hands are capable to wave you goodbye.

a day like today

a day like today,
remind me so much of you.
when we would just talk and sweat the smallest stuff and laugh so hard,
when i was calm and well.

a day like today,
where the rain melts my worries away,
when i was able to say goodbye without looking back,
close the gate behind me without hesitation.

a day like today,
when the air is mist and made me feel ok to have you slip away and accept bunch of your other ones have held your hands.

a day like today,
where i could walk on the street and had my jacket on,
made me understand why you chose them and not me.

a day like today,
where i thought,
when i feel,
i could let go.

and now i am just another one of them.
whose hands you've hold and forgotten,
who misses you when you dont,
who writes about you when she shouldnt.

you have made me

spending less time with my friends
doesn't get out of the room for four days
rethink about how i dress for the day
listen to your lousy made up stories
wears out all my pride
repeat the same mistake for god know why
swallow your ego
pumped up your pride
rethink my thoughts
so jealous of the vibrates of your phone
sleepless
over caring

worry of your wound
worry of your frown
worry of your questions
worry of the long pause
worry of nothing

giving you the last drop of my tea
giving you the last spoon of meals
giving you the heart i cant afford to give away
giving you the icing of my cupcakes

miss the way you do a double steps to synchronised our steps
miss your bullshit way of talking
miss how you made me laugh

forget the way i think before
forget the bad days
forget him

feels ok towards the things that shouldn't be
feels normal towards the thing that shouldn't be

stop.