the audience

likewise, they raped the beautiful soul and mind chained them to the fire that threatened people in after life,

Thy who may or may not be the massive controller of these, stay put above getting praised by the believer choking some kids through wounded heart.

beautifully poisoned these prisoners with assembled components and wires glued to their hands, eyes, and mind.

turning sets of purpose gathers numbers on papers which take them closer to their demands, closer, much closer.

objects and subjects would not be their right to owned if you scattered big pile rotten goods.

they raped every single soul and mind lead them to exterior reproduction, dreams to be more.

invincibly demolish the structure the culture towards the ideal way of living,
creating illusion of reaching goals to get through this madness of unfortunate.

ideas of everlasting, being tie down to one another producing creatures destroying greens which we relies on.

let the death come to me
let the death come to me
before the doom spread the view on my eyes.

initials

S taring into space S
T rying to take par T
U rgent needs of CP U
C rippled characteristi C
K indly stay in the dar K

saya ingin bisa berteman

wanita itu, bukan teman namun nyaris bermusuhan.
wanita itu..
tidak tau.

wanita itu
menaruh gemar pada hal yang sama
menaruh rasa pada manusia yang sama
ditoreh luka pada tempat yang sama
dibuat murka oleh jiwa yang sama
dibuat kecewa akan perilaku yang sama.

karena sebab yang sama.
pada waktu kritis yang sama.

memaafkan juga yang ia sedang perankan
melupakan juga yang ia sedang coba jalankan
tangisan brutal juga yang ia sedang coba hentikan
berpasrah juga yang ia hanya bisa lakukan.

Seandainya saya dan wanita itu mampu endapkan ego masing-masing,
mungkin kami bisa memaki waktu bersama.
mungkin cerita bisa terbagi antara kami.
mungkin semua ini akan lebih mudah dihadapi, karena
mungkin kami dapat saling kuatkan hati.

Sebab sebenarnya

Wanita itu juga masih rindu
masih pilu
tahan rindu
tahan pilu
dengan harapan semua akan cepat berlalu.

semua sama, hanya perbedaanya terletak pada
kurun waktu lamanya saya dan wanita itu menapakkan kaki disituasi ini,
saya hanya bisa bekata,
wanita itu akan baik - baik saja, lama-lama akan tebiasa,
karena saya disini sudah cukup lama dan masih terjebak didalamnya,
namun semua akan baik-baik saja, saya tetap berdoa.

Tulisan ini hanya sekedar angan-angan diri.
Saya menulis hanya karena,
Wanita itu penulis
Saya pembaca.

changing route

i think,,
I THINK..
i might stop writing this blog until i know how to write properly..

im embarrassed

hundreds cell in our brain; part 6

im only going to marry a visionaire

ill be okay even if no one will never knock on mine
ill be okay even those footsteps never stop on my doorstep

should i just continue watching people fight at the war
or
should i stop and start doing this fucking sequence that seem will never be finished?
or
should i continue hearing couples making love, and write about it.

what the fuck is all this?
i couldnt write any longer,
my handwriting has scattered

and if you really quite, you can hear the sound of people making babies in a distance

hundreds cell in our brain; part 5

we know its not true
we know its all fake
we know its just act of pretending.
why the fuck people keep doing that?
why the fuck people has to fall for someone?
do we even really need that or is it just society pressure?
do i really need that?
why am i writing all this fucking stuff,
to be honest, i have no one to talk to..
the one that use to listen has took off not a while ago?
why the fuck i keep thinking that he's the only one who listens?
fact; he hardly listen.
he wants my body, it's a disgrace
its a fucking disgrace.
yet, i didnt stop it.
what does that even mean!!
i need to stop this.



this is a very long time since my last writing,
its not even good enough to be consider as a piece of writing.
i have no time,
too busy running away from the thoughts of you.
my body is not good enough,
not meeting your requirement.

hundreds cell in our brain; part 4

i just dont understand for those who just dont reply to messages.

i cant get myself focus
i probably need help to get there
or
maybe not.

i dont want to end up being an old lady who has 17 cats and just sitting around all day on a goddamn rocking chair.

i need a human touch,
i never thread a human before,
maybe i should.
just to give the sense of the thrill through my body,
just to have variation to my routines.
these all fucks me up.
what the hell is wrong with me.

hundreds cell in our brain; part 3

and someone is just bloody ignorant.


i longed for someone to get out of their room, and knock on mine..
im too afraid to knock on theirs,
somehow im attached, yet someway im completely detached,
that gives me a funny feeling in a funny situation,
but NOT funny at all.

i wonder if i cost any trouble across the road?
i dont know what im hoping, part of me i hope i do, and the rest... i dont know.

i hear foot steps, big one.
still no one knock on mine?
why dont i start, im bloody too nice or a coward.

i cant get my head around it,
i cant get bloody focus,
and there it goes, another door being closed.
ANOTHER FUCKING DOOR BEING CLOSED!!
why dont they knock on mine?

hundreds cell in our brain; part 2

Dont fucking touch me

i drink paint,
dirty paint,
it's dark, it's dark.
have too many colors in a cup, the paint goes dark.

your handwriting become smaller and smaller,
you have no idea how to survive without the one you love.
your loved one swallowed by the ocean's wave.
how can he breath in the water?
how can he walk in the dark water?
how could he let me choke on water? dark water.
he got tight, tight to a mermaid.

i feel like a worm instead of a mermaid..
have i look down on myself?
i guess i have,

hundreds cell in our brain; part 1

When is this going to stop?
when all this going to be my turn?
being kind not going to get me anywhere..

how could i stop this?
how do i stop this?
all of us breaking..
and it is still going..

be selfish and survive the world..
go be in a war,
go play with blood,
you have no one to help you.
no one to help you.

fuckinghell, i have to start being a lot more selfish and stopping the goddamn fool in me.
he fooled me over time.
when is this going to stop?
why cant i bloody care of someone who gives a fucking care about me!
what the hell is wrong?

why dont i fucking go?
i want to see you
i wont see you
i want to see you

hundreds cell in our brain; introduction

about;
'hundreds cell in our brain' is a mini-series of my writing, about how one thought affecting another, or we can say it produces another one and that ended with us having gazillion thoughts in our mind.

warning:
you'll get bored, highly recommend to ignore the posts.

kronologis

she's in a hospital,

they don't know what is wrong,

it is a chance that she's blind all along,

she's in the hospital at 3 in the morning,

feeling pain in her chest, or was it her heart stop pumping blood.

she's dry,

she can't breath.

she had been brought to the hospital at 2 am,

she couldn't move.

not even to lift her arms or lips.

she felt overwhelmed.

she was on her chair at 1 am,

her eyes was staring, waiting.

she knew it was happening,

she has the intuition for some reason.

at 1.30

it exploded.

in her mind: "i knew it"

and if

if by hurting other people it can gives you benefit,

if being manipulative can get you to your success

if by speaking louder, people could own trust from others

and by speaking louder, would eliminate the chance of being wrong,

if silence couldn't give any help,

if people would stupidly enough believe everything on screen and print,

and if people begin to be media for them self,

and if by doing that it gives them a great life, and taste the greatness of the world,

if honest people are just truly fooling them self,

if by being honest would get you nowhere in life,

and honest people ended up working with monsters,

PLEASE

don't tell me about heaven and hell,

don't tell me about the balance in life,

and please

stop telling me about god and how i have to believe or pray.

tell me to accept

human never be satisfied

i've read so many books,

i've played so many songs

i've listen to gazillion of music.

i've wrote so many poem

i've been to half of the world

i know so many people

i've paint on too much canvas

i've shook hundreds of hands

and i still want more,

no go

it's missing the melody,

it's missing to create,

it's missing to touch the shutter button,

it's missing to write,

the brain knows,

but choose to ignore it.

safe in square

that ash tray is over used,

25 per day.

that room is foggy,

and that lung is barely breathing.

that holly mind is blocked for weeks,

that body is falling apart, every bones are in pain,

MASSIVE headache is an ogre knocking off the trees.

the blood cloth.

nothing outside is interesting enough anymore,

this square is safe,

somehow people are a bore,

that ears wont listen anymore.

that door wont open,

that legs wont move,

this brain working like factory's machines,

someone has lost interest in communicating.

those cameras has hanging so long in the closet,

that pen tablet is dusty.

those papers are piling up.

those instruments has been hiding under the bed.

someone has lost it.

and she has been praying to god ever since..

hope for a come back.

acceptance

A : i have nothing againts gayness.

i have lots of gay friends, even bi.

i don't think it's something that has to be 'cured'.

i'm pretty open minded about that. i don't mind it at all.

nowadays gay people are everywhere, and they not afraid of

showing it anymore.

that's good, cause nothing wrong about it or them.

B: hmm, so then you'll be fine if your kids turns out to be gay ?

A: ............................................ (went TOTALLY silent)

tersumbat

sesak, jalan sempit.

susah untuk melihat ujungnya.

susah.. susaaah.

semua strategi sudah dicoba, habis sudah.

beban ini tak kunjung reda,

hey!!

otakku tidak bekerja,

menjadi pengangguran selama 105 hari.

hasilnya nihil.

sesak, jalan sempit.

aku tidak berkreasi.