hundreds cell in our brain; part 4

i just dont understand for those who just dont reply to messages.

i cant get myself focus
i probably need help to get there
or
maybe not.

i dont want to end up being an old lady who has 17 cats and just sitting around all day on a goddamn rocking chair.

i need a human touch,
i never thread a human before,
maybe i should.
just to give the sense of the thrill through my body,
just to have variation to my routines.
these all fucks me up.
what the hell is wrong with me.

hundreds cell in our brain; part 3

and someone is just bloody ignorant.


i longed for someone to get out of their room, and knock on mine..
im too afraid to knock on theirs,
somehow im attached, yet someway im completely detached,
that gives me a funny feeling in a funny situation,
but NOT funny at all.

i wonder if i cost any trouble across the road?
i dont know what im hoping, part of me i hope i do, and the rest... i dont know.

i hear foot steps, big one.
still no one knock on mine?
why dont i start, im bloody too nice or a coward.

i cant get my head around it,
i cant get bloody focus,
and there it goes, another door being closed.
ANOTHER FUCKING DOOR BEING CLOSED!!
why dont they knock on mine?

hundreds cell in our brain; part 2

Dont fucking touch me

i drink paint,
dirty paint,
it's dark, it's dark.
have too many colors in a cup, the paint goes dark.

your handwriting become smaller and smaller,
you have no idea how to survive without the one you love.
your loved one swallowed by the ocean's wave.
how can he breath in the water?
how can he walk in the dark water?
how could he let me choke on water? dark water.
he got tight, tight to a mermaid.

i feel like a worm instead of a mermaid..
have i look down on myself?
i guess i have,

hundreds cell in our brain; part 1

When is this going to stop?
when all this going to be my turn?
being kind not going to get me anywhere..

how could i stop this?
how do i stop this?
all of us breaking..
and it is still going..

be selfish and survive the world..
go be in a war,
go play with blood,
you have no one to help you.
no one to help you.

fuckinghell, i have to start being a lot more selfish and stopping the goddamn fool in me.
he fooled me over time.
when is this going to stop?
why cant i bloody care of someone who gives a fucking care about me!
what the hell is wrong?

why dont i fucking go?
i want to see you
i wont see you
i want to see you

hundreds cell in our brain; introduction

about;
'hundreds cell in our brain' is a mini-series of my writing, about how one thought affecting another, or we can say it produces another one and that ended with us having gazillion thoughts in our mind.

warning:
you'll get bored, highly recommend to ignore the posts.

kronologis

she's in a hospital,

they don't know what is wrong,

it is a chance that she's blind all along,

she's in the hospital at 3 in the morning,

feeling pain in her chest, or was it her heart stop pumping blood.

she's dry,

she can't breath.

she had been brought to the hospital at 2 am,

she couldn't move.

not even to lift her arms or lips.

she felt overwhelmed.

she was on her chair at 1 am,

her eyes was staring, waiting.

she knew it was happening,

she has the intuition for some reason.

at 1.30

it exploded.

in her mind: "i knew it"

and if

if by hurting other people it can gives you benefit,

if being manipulative can get you to your success

if by speaking louder, people could own trust from others

and by speaking louder, would eliminate the chance of being wrong,

if silence couldn't give any help,

if people would stupidly enough believe everything on screen and print,

and if people begin to be media for them self,

and if by doing that it gives them a great life, and taste the greatness of the world,

if honest people are just truly fooling them self,

if by being honest would get you nowhere in life,

and honest people ended up working with monsters,

PLEASE

don't tell me about heaven and hell,

don't tell me about the balance in life,

and please

stop telling me about god and how i have to believe or pray.

tell me to accept

human never be satisfied

i've read so many books,

i've played so many songs

i've listen to gazillion of music.

i've wrote so many poem

i've been to half of the world

i know so many people

i've paint on too much canvas

i've shook hundreds of hands

and i still want more,

no go

it's missing the melody,

it's missing to create,

it's missing to touch the shutter button,

it's missing to write,

the brain knows,

but choose to ignore it.

safe in square

that ash tray is over used,

25 per day.

that room is foggy,

and that lung is barely breathing.

that holly mind is blocked for weeks,

that body is falling apart, every bones are in pain,

MASSIVE headache is an ogre knocking off the trees.

the blood cloth.

nothing outside is interesting enough anymore,

this square is safe,

somehow people are a bore,

that ears wont listen anymore.

that door wont open,

that legs wont move,

this brain working like factory's machines,

someone has lost interest in communicating.

those cameras has hanging so long in the closet,

that pen tablet is dusty.

those papers are piling up.

those instruments has been hiding under the bed.

someone has lost it.

and she has been praying to god ever since..

hope for a come back.

acceptance

A : i have nothing againts gayness.

i have lots of gay friends, even bi.

i don't think it's something that has to be 'cured'.

i'm pretty open minded about that. i don't mind it at all.

nowadays gay people are everywhere, and they not afraid of

showing it anymore.

that's good, cause nothing wrong about it or them.

B: hmm, so then you'll be fine if your kids turns out to be gay ?

A: ............................................ (went TOTALLY silent)

tersumbat

sesak, jalan sempit.

susah untuk melihat ujungnya.

susah.. susaaah.

semua strategi sudah dicoba, habis sudah.

beban ini tak kunjung reda,

hey!!

otakku tidak bekerja,

menjadi pengangguran selama 105 hari.

hasilnya nihil.

sesak, jalan sempit.

aku tidak berkreasi.

dimana?

where?

i look for you too long

i've looked for you everywhere

you're no where to find

where?

i've been looking forever

i've looked in the closet, every drawers, mu pockets, the washing machine, the toy box

i've looked under my bed, your bed, the sink, the car, the chair

i've looked for you behind the tv, tables, walls, doors, the fridge

you're nowhere to find

where?

it's just a tip of an iceberg

you're on top, then it makes you are higher than us, people.

average people.

you're on top now, you're smelling the air, you're touching the sky, you feel the heavinly grass on your bear feet, you feel the breeze goes through your cheeks, it's fresh, it's new.

you're on top now, which makes you very high.

you're lying on the ground, closing your eyes, covering up your ears, the grass are slightly running through your fingers, you're leaving at the moment, you're fresh, you're new.

you're not aware what is happening down there, below you. you're blinded, not seeing what is really going on outside, you've built a shield.

that shield makes you float, yet cannot be touched. you're there on top, higher than us, floating.

you're on top, and you're screaming loudly at my ears and or maybe to the world.

yes, i get it. you're on it now, higher than me, higher than any of us.

i do get it, you're on top now, and i do understand how and why. you dont need to scream more and louder, cause i do get it.

you're unusuall, you're screaming and i wont waste my energy to talk, so it makes me a listener.

i do my job, i listened to every scream.

im your audience,

and you're making a huge cookie that couldnt even fit in your own mouth.

now,

you hand me a rope, just to tied my tounge,

so i tied it. with your help.

then you run towards the light, feeling the joy, feeling the pleasure, feeling secure.

and down there is just the opposite, but you wont come down yet.

im starting to choke,

you've been feeding me the giant cookie you've made,

it makes me feel sick.

but you couldnt careless.

so..

youre on the very top now,

you feel like you're watching everything below you, knowing everything down there..

you feel..

the fact is that you're not..

not everything, you missed some, not everyone, you missed some.

then, you're still holding the ground, you're still on top of everything,

so let say, you're watching some, knowing some..

you're playing god in that little scheme.

that little scheme, is a little freakshow. you're playing god...

and oh im overwhelmed.

you're playing god, you think you're listening to everything, you're being fair, and give a good balance of justice..

you think..

no, you missed some.

you're way up there, forgetting the solid ground, forgetting that at some point you have to come down, back here.

and what it is for me is there, watching you being overjoyed by the bliss of being that far high, you smell it all, you're touching everything, grabbing, feels everything running againts your skin.

ive dived deep, into the water, climbed from the very bottom of it.

and yes,

you're on top of an iceberg, without knowing what is there at the bottom,

down deep, there is me, watching you go higher.

i should warn you, you might end up here..

but i wont,

because you're on top in a shield covered everything, and playing god.

dont scream, i get it.

dont scream, i'll already know.

ooo send me to heaven

life is amazing, why should i be worried?

have i lost some friends along the way?
yes, but the new ones also come along.

have i been cheated?
yes, but i too get the chances to cheat.

have i been hurted so bad and cant get out of the sweat pants in weeks?
yes, but i've learned a lesson from that.

have i been betrayed?
yes, and from that i know what kind of person i wouldnt be.

have i dissapointed at many things?
yes, but life isnt always work the way we want. And to be fair i too, have dissapointed someone along the way.

have i feel being lefout among the familiar faces?
yes, but that is what make my heart grow stronger

have i feel that i made so many mistakes?
yes, and life is going forward so do i, just try not to make the same mistake.

have i been left by someone?
yes, but those who come they would leave

have i been distroyed by someone or something?
yes, but with strength i managed to get up and take a breath again.

have i ever blame myself for what goes wrong?
yes, but then i learned to forgive myself in time

have i ever been so selfish that i couldnt even forgive myself?
yes, but then i learn to be selfless and realized that nothing revolves around me.

have i gone to the dark place?
yes, and im still trying to get out of it.

aquarium

beraktifitas biasa,
berkomunikasi, berjalan, mengisi perut, dan menjalakan kewajiban.

melakukan kegiatan seperti biasa..
tidak ada beda..

dengar kabar gembira diluar sana,
tersenyum,
dibalik lapisan kaca,
kaca yang membendung, memisahkan dunia.

laluu..

kabar itu datang,
sesak dan gemuruh..
berkabung..
lama..

namun nasib,
hidup didunia berbeda, dibatasi oleh lapisan kaca.
mana ada yang dengar, mana ada yang lihat..

tidak bisa berekpresi, tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa.
aku ingin peluk! ingin ada disana, temani yang sedang berduka.
perih!

gerakkan dan suaraku terbatasi oleh lapisan kaca.
didalam aquarium bervolume besar.
hanya dapat menerima dan melihat.
tidak bisa berbuat.

karena aku tidak sampai melompat.
aku berkabung didalam.

(semoga Dwi Siti Aisyah dan keluarga diberikan ketabahan dan kesabaran)

borgol

kini semua kena tilang karena uang,
diborgol lah tangan tangan itu kedalam penjara yang memberi mereka makan.
diperas lah mereka hingga larut malam.
komunikasi pun ditiadakan.

kini semua kena tilang karena uang,
ditahan lah mereka oleh mereka yang ingin beriklan,
diharuskan lah mereka mencari kata-kata hingga si bos senang
komunikasi pun hilang

kini semua kena tilang karena uang,
demi reputasi dan jabatan,
disodorkan lah keinginan-keinginan yang harus divisualkan,
komunikasi pun melebur

kini semua kena tilang karena uang,
dijebloskanlah mereka ke dalam ruangan,
berembuklah mereka mencari ide cemerlang,
hingga hari ini tidak lagi ada kata pulang,

kini sudah pukul dua dini hari,
mereka masih ditahan untuk memperkaya diri mereka dan yang memberi mereka makan.

kini semua kena tilang demi uang,
harus begitu..

sebelum mereka yang menilang orang untuk memberi mereka makan

choke

i choked on remembering the memories,
every second of it.
im not being ungratefull, but this is..
hollow.
just that.

i choked so hard when i realized it's been so long..
i trapped my self in those 3 years.

i blame my self, not everyone.

i choked on dust and cigarettes.
i choked when i drank a fine wine.

hollow.

i dont know who could i leaned to,
and then i choked again.

i choked when everyone wasnt there and was there.
and then i stop.

and i begun to choked again when i breath the same air as you.
since then i never stop.

where is it????

for godsake..
many things happend.
a lot of it could be written.
but I HAVE NO DESIRE TO WRITE.

there's so many story
but i have no inspiration..

there are days been skipped.
but still I HAVE NO DESIRE TO WRITE.

so be patient..

jobbery

job..is a particular thing that needed.
and in nowadays it become some kind of trend in my lifting.

we aggresively looking for one, and seduced the "senior" with our cv and portfolios.
AND ITS GREAT, when you get the chance to do something that you really love,
and you can feel in your heart "im gna do great" or "this is what ive been born to".

several friends of mine really got that chance,
in this point theyre starting they career trip.
And they are all so generous, they told me how its been, how they felt,
and even some of them told me how they got in.

when i saw the smile on my friends faces while they talked about their jobs i can feel the energy burst out of their body.
its a clear vision for me they are all gonna be GREAT on their jobs, and somehow i believe that they're all gna be a VIP in no time.

well. from some people this is a jobbery, its a short for Job Robbery. HAHAHA.
but i wouldnt called it that because im not desperate to get a job yet.
but,
maybe someday i will, ehm but i'd rather be the one who rob the job though.

this jobbery phenomenon is always happend evry year.
HELL YEAH.
but this will only effecting most on the people who called themself as a "fresh graduate".
they would feel the symptoms; anxiety, panic, bored of doing nothing,etc.
and im not throught that yet.
HAHAHHA.
but i believe my time will come.

so..

its the way im saying congratulations to all my dear friends who got a job.
and keep robbing a job!!

and for they who havent, as i said.
YOUR TIME WILL COME.
but dont just sit there and wait..you know, you gotta make an effort.

For up coming "fresh graduate", come and feel the jobbery phenomenon.
and ENJOY.

one thing: job isnt something that you have to get. but its something that you have to do.so maybe you could try CREATING it instead of GETTING it. then that way, you find yourself something to do, and if you have something to do and to be done, it means you have a job.

lets not get to worried about jobbery lets be a jobator!!
and wht jobator is??

JOB CREATOR..


so GOOD LUCK living life evryone.