when there's so many "I" in your doings and sentences and not enough "you"

I am feeling like this,
I ate this
I drink this
I am angry!

I am tired
I feel lost
I have given up
I cannot do this anymore!

I am here
I am there

I will do this
I am doing this
I don't do this
I didn't do that

I got fed up
I am old
I know
I know
I know

I am here
I am not here

I hang on
I will hold on
I can't make promise
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

I am sleepy
I am going to bed now.
You come rest here next to me
I would love that

torn up shirt and washed up jeans

with every words I speak,
I knew right away it'll become your words.

with every story I begin,
I knew right away it'll become your end.

This feeling of uncertainty,
if you're ever coming home to me
if you'll be resting your head on my neck and shoulder
if my time will be yours to spend.

what is it so addictive about being saved from drowning?
that I have to drown myself over and over in your words,
your gestures, your smirks, your hopes, your smell, your heartache,
your ways.

you and your shadow that i could never chase and hold,
your hands that never really fit mine perfectly,
your breath that never really have rest,
your heart that is never mine to heal.

you showed up at my door with your mind so ratchet
and your heart is worn out.
you were tired and so was I.

you showed up with all torn up shirt and washed up jeans,
your hair all messed up,
your arm and neck were stretched so far out after trying to hold on to someone too long.
and there I was, welcoming you after taking up a too-long walks and jumps from city to city.
even then I knew I should have only say to you "It's really nice to see you, but could you come back later on a better day?" and close the door.
but I did just the opposite of that.

now you're on the bed, curled up with my blanket of words,
vaguely moving,
slowly fading,
eventually you'll disappear with your shadow
your hands
your breath
your wound
and your heart that is never really mine to heal.

wake up

the world does not revolves around you;

you are;

forgotten (and it's inevitable)
unseen
invisible

unless you do something about it.

speak up,
be brave,

make something out of yourself

dont;
stay,
sit put,
stand still,

things would not just be given to you,

when

when you see things only with your one eye,
turn completely blinded the other one,
ignoring things that shouldnt be ignored.

compromising feelings,
rasionalised intuitions,
feel more that I intend to,
cry in discreet,
feel like shit most of the time,
go backwards.

but i love when your neck fitted perfectly with my face,

but im also longing for the day that my hands are capable to wave you goodbye.

a day like today

a day like today,
remind me so much of you.
when we would just talk and sweat the smallest stuff and laugh so hard,
when i was calm and well.

a day like today,
where the rain melts my worries away,
when i was able to say goodbye without looking back,
close the gate behind me without hesitation.

a day like today,
when the air is mist and made me feel ok to have you slip away and accept bunch of your other ones have held your hands.

a day like today,
where i could walk on the street and had my jacket on,
made me understand why you chose them and not me.

a day like today,
where i thought,
when i feel,
i could let go.

and now i am just another one of them.
whose hands you've hold and forgotten,
who misses you when you dont,
who writes about you when she shouldnt.

you have made me

spending less time with my friends
doesn't get out of the room for four days
rethink about how i dress for the day
listen to your lousy made up stories
wears out all my pride
repeat the same mistake for god know why
swallow your ego
pumped up your pride
rethink my thoughts
so jealous of the vibrates of your phone
sleepless
over caring

worry of your wound
worry of your frown
worry of your questions
worry of the long pause
worry of nothing

giving you the last drop of my tea
giving you the last spoon of meals
giving you the heart i cant afford to give away
giving you the icing of my cupcakes

miss the way you do a double steps to synchronised our steps
miss your bullshit way of talking
miss how you made me laugh

forget the way i think before
forget the bad days
forget him

feels ok towards the things that shouldn't be
feels normal towards the thing that shouldn't be

stop.

life and death and separation and love

last year i officially lost two friends,
left me devastated equally.

last year i lost two friends,
both played a different role in my life.

last year two men have left me,
two of the few whom i had hold closely to my heart and soul.

last year two of my friends and i gone our separate ways,
the friends who i loved most and most

last year,
ive gone from having two men to none.

last year ive lost two friends,
one caused by death,
and one caused by life.

part 1
Death

you never thought you can actually witness death,
or knew the death of someone closed to you while youre alive.
somehow we grasp it as if it is just a tale,
always someone's story, news, television, movies, but never our story.
never.

but again, it happened. but this time "death's happen".
didnt ask for it,
didnt give you any warning,
it just happen, and took my dearest one.

i cried, i cried, i hiked and cried some more.

part 2
Life

you never thought you can actually lose someone when they're still alive all healthy,
let alone someone like your best person.
somehow all that 'grown-up' bullshit is just a bullshit.
always someone's story in someone's book, television, movies, but never our story.
never.

but yes, it happened, and this time accurately "life's happen".
didnt ask for it,
didnt give any warning when i first jumped in,
it just happen, and have taken away my dearest one.

i cried, i cried, i went away and i cried some more.

and after all debacles,
you see..
llife and death not that much of a difference yet it is so much different than the others.

im no expert

the title is pretty self explanatory,

but lets bring this to a hypothetical situation.
what if people are humble enough that no matter how an expert they are, they will say to themselves that "im no expert".
wouldnt we be in such a very very harmonious place?

but hey, im not one should complain or can complain.
i certainly not one that can change people's way of thinking or behavior.
im just an acute observer, i observe way too intensely and way too often.
and it sickens me most of the time.
the behavior and the results of these observations.

my observations usually involves things/people surrounds me.
and that is a good thing and a bad thing. mostly just bad.
cause as i said the result sometimes troubled me and on the other hand,
people that i observed just being people, human, and themselves who feels experts on what they're being and doing without necessarily being experts on their beings and doings.

mothers..
feeling experts at being mothers,
preachers..
talking right and wrong, sins and what not, like the god talks to him daily on the phone,
aunties..
giving wise talks like they cant be wrong,
fathers..
being completely oblivious about his surroundings,
friends..
feeling experts on being a good friends,
teenagers..
feeling the most alone in the world,
daughters..
being the most hypocrite children of all time,
and so on

you know there is no such thing as expertise there are just specialist,
no expertise on mothering, fathering, daughtering, brothering, sistering, it is all depend on you, how you deal, whats your techniques, what your view, no right or wrong here. it just which is suited the best.


but hey..
im no expert.

when the comfortable turns the other way

you know..
you dont know..

that's what going through my mind every time..

Katakanlah saja saya terperangkap dalam sangkar yang saya buat sendiri.
Sangkar yang saya rakit sedikit demi sedikit, dari waktu ke waktu.

Pembuatan sangkar ini bisa dibilang sengaja dan tidak sengaja.
Kenapa?
Karena awalnya saya hanya main-main saja, dari main-main iseng saya pun merasa nyaman.
NYAMAN, perasaan yang saya pikir tidak akan menyakiti atau merugikan saya, sehingga saya merasa lepas, bebas menjadi diri sendiri.
Terlena dengan perasaan nyaman tersebut saya tidak berpikir 2 kali, boro-boro! Saya tidak pernah berpikir sebelum melakukan tindakan. Saya benar-benar lepas menjadi saya.
Ya.. saya. Sayangnya seorang saya itu tidak begitu apik, lebih cenderung membingungkan dan kompleks.
Namun karena rasa nyaman itu saya biarkan saja semuanya MUNCRAT dari diri saya, gamblang! Saya pajang, pertontonkan, agar orang dapat menyaksikan.
Transparan, ya itu dia kata yang bisa menggambarkan saya pada saat itu.

NOFILTER kalo anak-anak instagram jaman sekarang bilang.

Kegamblangan saya yang saya tunjukkan itu adalah awal dari rakitan sangkar setan ini.
Tidak pernah mengira ini akan berakibat 'senjata makan tuan'.
"WAAAAAHHHHH, SIAL, SETAN!" Saya mengumpat, ketika tersadar saya sudah dalam kandang saya sendiri.
Berputarlah otak ini menguak segala kejadian, kenangan, dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang tak kunjung usai.
"ANJING!" Kembali saya mengumpat, ketika kekesalan membuncah. Tidak pernah saya kira KENYAMANAN itu sangat berbahaya dan saya terlena olehnya.
Gimana bisa kata 'nyaman' yang begitu positif, selalu dipakai untuk menggambarkan sesuatu yang baik, bahkan ada di iklan-iklan kota "Buanglah sampah pada tempatnya, buat kota kita nyaman untuk penduduknya", bisa berakibat sangat negatif dalam hidup saya.
Lalu saya terombang-ambing.

Tenggelamlah saya, saya tidak tahu harus apa.
Hmmm.. bohong, sebenarnya saya tahu harus apa, hanya enggan menjalankannya.
Namun setelah tertatih-tatih, lelah saya mencoba mencari jalan lain yang sepertinya memang tidak ada.
BUNTU! BUNTU SEMUA!

Akhirnya..
Akhirnya..
Akhirnya..
Pelan-pelan saya mencoba berdiri dan berjalan menjauh.
Menjauh..
Aktifitas yang selalu sulit untuk dilakukan manusia.
Menjauh dari cinta, rokok, kopi, drugs, SUSAH! Yang namanya menjauh itu selalu susah, apapun itu yang perlu dijauhi, pasti tidak mudah.

"AYO BISA!" Saya bergumam kepada diri saya sendiri, mencoba menyemangati diri sendiri.
"AYO DOA!" Teriak saya pada diri sendiri yang mencoba menggalakkan kebiasaan baru itu.

Tertawa saya, tertawa miris, karena tidak pernah terpikir sekalipun dalam kepala ini kalau saya harus menyeret, menjauh dari kenyamanan yang saya buat sendiri.

'Nyaman' kata yang sungguh menyesatkan.